| Star light, star bright, please hold me close tonight |
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| It's Not Over |
[30 Dec 2006|02:09am] |
No, It's not. I'm still here but I hardly know why. It's been a crazy few years hasn't it. Who would have thought. I don't know how it happend or why my family has been so screwed up. I was watching an episode of Veronica Mars and this girl's parents were like psychologically abusing her sister. It's almost to that point here. I don't know how I've survived my father's wrath or come to this state that I'm in today. And I used to be such a good girl. Well now, let's see. I guess that's what happens when you have a life like me. It's obvious that someone's going to be the fuck-up. I used to be the tough one, the angry one. That's changed, I've been so shunned from the group that I don't have any use of them anymore so I just keep my distance. Now the anger and rage and emotion are directed at me. Yet I'm still the disappointment. Because I was the one with so much hope and gifts to prosper. And here I am, failing at what I used to do best. What happend that pivotal moment, which I once straight narrowed it down to a birthday party in January of the second grade. I guess they realized then that I wasn't one of them, you know, those types. Something happend and it was so slight. I was still capable of surrounding myself with decent insider and yet also independent. It was that free spirit that influence my whole definition of who I am. If I stayed on that advancing way I would have been extremely successful and have a happier life. It'd be the harder life, more competitive, but I think I could've had that. But things changed. I ended up being on the other way, the sad way, the way life wasn't really supposed to turn out. There's still a possibility, but no one really knows if it's truly possible, with the arduous tasks that are given. It's worth the try, and I'm off to a bad start. I don't know how I'll turn this life back around from the way it's already going. I need something, anything to get me back on my feet in the right direction, the prodigous direction. I guess I'm praying for a miracle, yet my bets are it's just a little too slim chances for me to win. And thus, is life.
And that's just college.
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| This is life, or something like it |
[10 Apr 2006|10:20pm] |
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mood |
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 listless |
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music |
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Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California |
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You Are the Individualist |
4
You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.
You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.
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[11 Feb 2006|06:52pm] |
BOYS SUCK.
:(
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| its a feeling. |
[08 Feb 2006|09:09pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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Fallout Boy - Chicago Is So Two Years Ago |
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today i am sad.
sad.
sad sad sad.
sort of a depressed kinda melancholy, nostalgic, sad.
i dont know why.
why do these things bother me.
why..
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[02 Feb 2006|06:27pm] |
My hair is pretty.
:P
so's my room
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| I feel like doing this. |
[29 Jan 2006|05:53pm] |
Write 25 statements to 25 different people. Make them things you would never say to their face but things you think they should know.
1. You will always be in my heart. I know things came to an end a while ago, but I wish we could be friends. I miss the way you knew me.
2. Thank you for always being there for me. And for putting up with my jokes. You are my best friend, and I hope you feel the same towards me.
3. I'm worried that you're going to lose yourself and fall into a similar situation as your parents. I'm worried that you've been hanging out with the wrong kinds of people. Please go to college, please apply. Don't let your life go to waste.
4. I hate how everyone likes you. They don't see the evil bitch that's your true self. You're a cunning little slut. You screw tons of people over, myself included. I hope you get fucked some day, because you deserve it.
5. I think you and your sister are kind of the same person. You can't always rely on her for friends. Especially in college.
6. I'm afraid that I'll hurt you. I really like you, but I don't want to mess things up.
7. I know that you like me. But I find it's weird that you can't make up your mind.
8. I feel wicked used. And I still don't get it. I seriously think you're keeping something from me. So what the fuck. I don't know if I can be friends with you.
9. It killed me when we weren't talking. I think we were both misunderstanding eachother. I'm glad we're cool now. Summer will be amazing.
10. It's wicked creepy that you're so obsessed. I've been over you for a really long time but I've been too scared to tell you. Seriously, you need to go out and meet new people and stop being so obsessed with me.
11. You are an awesome person, but your taste in friends suck, which affects how you act. You'd be so much better off without them. And honestly, I think you know that too. So what's holding you back?
12. I love you as a friend, but seriously, you're on such a fucking power trip. You need to get over yourself.
13. I admire you so much. I wish I could be as awesome as you. And as pretty. God your pretty. And I don't mean that in a lesbian way, I just think you're gorgeous haha.
14. I hate your hair. I hate your face. You're fat. You need to fucking get over yourself. No one likes you. The guy that you like, HATES you. You're an annoying, oversensitive brat. Go back to where you came from.
15. It's kind of snobby the way your so perfect. In fact, your so perfect that you're not perfect at all. A lot of the time I think its just an act. And how come you don't have like 20 hernias? Seriously, wtf.
16. You think too highly of yourself. You get so stuck on one girl that you don't even realize that theres plenty of other goodlooking, good catches that are eyeing you.
17. I don't get how your popular. Because really, your kind of a nerd.
18. I wish we had dated. You don't know this, but I used to like you. Although, it would've been kind of weird if we had dated.
19. Seriously, You can do way better. I think you're just going for easy. You're smart, you don't need me to tell you this.
20. A lot of the time, I don't think you like me that much.
21. You need to stop rubbing it in people's faces when you're right. Or even when you have a different opinion than someone. Your just making yourself look like an ass, while being wicked annoying.
22. You judged me before you even knew me. Get over yourself.
23. It's kinda weird how you randomly pop up in my life, but I dont think I'd have it any other way.
24. I feel so left out from the group. Am I even a part of it?
25. I think its sad how we used to be best friends and now we don't talk. Remember that party? Yeah.. best friends like you don't come around very often.
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| Reinstating the long lost Live Journal |
[28 Jan 2006|10:42am] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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Fiona Apple - Sullen Girl |
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I was perusing the good ol' LJ and decided I'd go back to writing in this thing. It's a good outlet.
It's so odd looking back at things I've written, even the stuff from a few months ago. People are always changing, experiences, even the smallest ones, change people. What will I be like a few months from now? What will I be like a year from now?
When I was little, I would have never guessed that I'd be who I am today. Things were so simple when I was little. I had an epiphany last night that I really WAS a sheltered child. People used to tell me that, but I never quite realized by how much. Children aren't generally exposed to deep emotional pain. I have always admired my cousin, who lost her mom when she was very little.
Why is it that people cause pain on each other? Morally, we all agree that it's wrong, yet in reality, we all do it. Sometimes its intentional, other times its not. Yet are they different? It's still inflicting pain on someone. And why is it only okay if you do it, but once its done to you, its wrong?
I've been stuck in a rut for a while now. Wallowing in self pity, over all of the pain that has been done to me. Selfishly, of course, because I do not recognize the pain I have caused other people. Only lately have I begun to realize how other people (Andrew, for one) felt. Unfortunately, it only makes me feel worse.
I thought I found a way to get out of this mess. Yet it only ended up causing me more pain. How can two people so obvious for eachother not work out? Twice now I've lost something special. Once I threw it away, and once I struggled to keep it. I learned from my mistake of throwing it away, yet my feeble attempts were unscathing.
I'm searching for my sunshine - it's been raining far too long.
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| hehe |
[24 Jul 2005|09:26am] |
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I've kissed someone....
[x] on the cheek.
[x] on the lips.
[x] on their hands or fingers
[x] in my room.
[x] in their room.
[x] of the opposite sex
[x] of the same sex that is not family
[x] a little younger than me
[x] a little older than me
[x] with brown hair.
[x] with curly hair.
[x] with blonde hair
[ ] with red hair
[x] with straight hair.
[x] shorter than me.
[ ] with a lip ring.
[ ] with a tounge ring.
[x] who you truly love/loved.
[x] who was drunk.
[x] you were drunk.
[x] taller than me.
[x] who was high.
[x] in the morning.
[x] right after waking up.
[x] just before bed.
[x] late at night
[x] who I really didnt want to kiss
[x] who was going out with someone else.
[x] on a bed.
[ ] two people at the same time.
[x] right after you've kissed somebody else.
[ ] in a graveyard.
[x] at school.
[x] against a wall.
[x] at a show.
[x] at the beach.
[x] in a pool.
[x] who was/is a good friend.
[x] in the rain.
[ ] with an std.
[x] in a car/taxi/bus.
[x] on a plane.
[x] in the movies.
[x] in a bathroom.
[x] in the dark.
[ ] on a roof top.
[x] under water.
[x] while they were driving.
[ ] at the old folks home.
[x] at the park.
[x] while people were watching.
[x] when you were sick
haha, i guess i'm a kissing slut...
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[21 Jul 2005|09:20pm] |
I dont smoke
I've never done drugs
My parents know all but about 3 lies I have ever told them
I'm in all (minus english) honors classes
I dont stay out late... ever (unless im working)
I maintain my job
I dont bother my parents too much
I rarely complain about the injustices my parents dish out
So what makes them think I am a bad kid?
Is it because I'm responsible (more so than my other two sisters, definatley)
That I actually have common sense?
That I can take care of myself?
That I know I wont get taken advantage of?
Or is it that they're worried one of these days I might actually enjoy my life.
*anyone who knows me know that my parents are wicked strict/protective so i dont want lame ass comments saying that I'm just being a teen and that I'm overreacting. those types of comments WILL be deleted. I do, however, would like comments that dont involve said criticisms.
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[16 Jul 2005|02:57pm] |
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i cant wait another year
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| Cool. |
[15 Jul 2005|02:03pm] |
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[13 Jul 2005|10:58am] |
Fifteen and all full grown
Knows what she wants
but All Alone -
Lies & Deceit;
and lost dreams of Hope,
Boyfriend left her
pregnant to cope.
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[06 Jul 2005|04:24am] |
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11.
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| Oh god, what was I on when I took this? |
[28 Jun 2005|10:15pm] |
things about me A-Z | Created by bluueyebabe15 and taken 201 times on bzoink! | | A- Age of 1st kiss: | 11.. i think | | B- Band you are listening to right now: | Fall Out Boy | | C- Crush: | none atm | | D- Dad's name: | Jim/James | | E- Easiest person to talk to: | Matty L :D | | F- Favorite ice cream: | Umm, CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER FROM GOLICK'S - HELLO!! | | G- Gummy worms or gummy bears? | Worms. The sour ones! | | H-Home town: | Born: Pittsburg, PA | | I- Instruments: | Piano, gonna learn Guitar this summer! yess | | J- Junior high: | Berwick Academy | | K- Kids | None right now! Thank the lordy! | | L- Longest car ride ever: | Uh, Driving down to Florida. Several Occasions. Yeah thx bye. | | M- Mom's name: | Lisa | | N- Nickname(s): | MJ, Cerr... Carebear occassionally | | O- One wish: | I wish for world peace. No really. I Do. Ok ok you caught me, I dont really care. | | P- Phobia[s]: | Needles/Shots, Heights, Drowning (esp from falling off the bridge going into newington) | | Q- Quote: | pretty much anything from Fall Out Boy and Familiy Guy haha | | R- Reason to smile: | Being Happy | | S- Song you sang last: | DANCE DANCE by Fall Out. Love it. | | T- Time you woke up today | 11 I think. | | U- Unknown fact about me: | I HAVE A PENIS! (j/k) | | V- Vegetable(s) you dislike: | Asparagus. | | W- Worst habit: | Maybe spending too much time on the computer. Nahh... that's not BAD! | | X- X-rays you\\\'ve had: | Ohh boyy, besides the usual dental shizz: right toes, left foot, both knees, back (incl catscan and mri), and wrist. I'm sure there's others because I've had TONS! | | Y- Your least favorite person: | lol, I can't tell you that one | | Z-Zodiac sign: | Leo! Grrrrrr! :D | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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| stolen from justin |
[26 Jun 2005|05:38pm] |
01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.
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| OUCHieeeee |
[22 Jun 2005|08:27pm] |
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mood |
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i have no idea! |
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music |
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Fall Out Boy - "I slept with someone in Fall Out and all..." |
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I'm sooo sunburnt. Went to the beach yesterday with Misha, John, and Jenny. It was a lot of fun. Unfortunatley Jenny's car broke down a mile from her house. I hope her car is okay, but it didn't look like it would be :(
I hope we can have another beach get together... only when I'm not sunburnt and when I have sunscreen lol.
Reminder: There are a lot of other people that I'd like to go to the beach with this summer, so contact me because we need to make plans!!
Because of the sunburn (which is on my legs, stomach, chest, and back) I'm forced to stay inside until it heals up a bit. Which totally sucks because I had to cancel my plans with Justin today. We were gonna go guitar shopping. *Sigh* Hopefully we can reschedule sometime soon. That reminds me, for those that don't know, I want to learn to play the guitar. It seems like fun. I want to be able to play the music that I listen to. Also, I sort of miss playing an instrument. Piano was fun, and I was a quick learner, but I was sort of limited to the things I could play. Plus pianos aren't really mobile, so I could never go in my room and just like, jam or whatever.
Being couped up inside all day has also given me a lot of time to think about things. It sort of made me depressed in lieu of recent events. ::sigh:: I desparately need to get out more, do new things, and meet new people. Oh, summer goal right there. Nice. Not as amazing as John's goal of becoming a Justice of the Peace.. unfortunatley for him it's not going to work out. It was still a good idea though.
Ever have to say something to someone but can't find the words? Yeah, I've been having that problem. I can visually picture in my mind what I want to express to someone, but the few times I've tried, I've failed. gah! It's frustrating. Although, I seriously doubt that anything I say to this person is going to affect them. Whatever. Same thing happens with my parents sometimes. I get stuck and can't express myself in the way I want to. I guess I just suck with words. Wait a minute, I guess? How about, I KNOW. For example, I suck royally at telling stories. Maybe thats why I like talking to people on AIM and stuff. Things just flow easier when i'm typing. I guess I could try writing a note. But I'd rather have a conversation...or maybe it could spark a conversation. I'll have to think about that one.
Alright, I think I'm done with my blabbering. This is one of the longer entries I've made in a while. I think I'm coming back to this thing, watch out people!! hah.
Oh god, see what I mean about needing to get out more?
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[20 Jun 2005|11:37pm] |
as cool as my journal looked with the opacity thing, i had to take it off. The lag it created on my browser was too excruciating. I have a fairly good computer, scrolling down a website should NOT make it lag. gah.
But anyway, today was fun. Saw Batman Begins. Batman's voice? Yeah, definately Dr. Claw only worse.
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| Summer! |
[20 Jun 2005|08:44am] |
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mood |
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 woo hoo! |
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music |
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FALL OUT BOY!!!!!!! |
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Today I have my last final (finally.. haha)! And then I'm freee!! This summer is going to be amazing. It better be at least :)
I'm stoked. I love my friends!
Alright, thats all I'm "blogging" about today. Just thought everyone should know that I'm anxious for 12 noon today.
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